


Evan Buckley's Experiences With Love

by BornInTheDusk



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Athena Grant Being a Mom, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Dad Evan "Buck" Buckley, Drabble Sequence, Evan Buckley Week 2020, Firehouse 118 Family (9-1-1), Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Idiots in Love, Insecure Evan "Buck" Buckley, M/M, Protective Evan "Buck" Buckley, Team as Family, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:21:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23377552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BornInTheDusk/pseuds/BornInTheDusk
Summary: 5 times Evan Buckley longed for love + 1 time he knew he was. (And 1 time he was proud of it.)Evan was a kid who didn't know the meaning of love. Evan was an angry, lost kid, hurt at the unfairness of the world. Evan faded away years ago. Buck knows better.Buck knows that the members of the 118 love him but sometimes his insecurity bleeds through and he can't be sure. He longs for that confidence. But he goes home to an empty apartment, they don't. So he longs.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Athena Grant, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 127
Kudos: 605
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	1. That's My Family.

**Author's Note:**

> Song for this entire fic (chapters 1 -7) is [_In the Name of Love_](https://open.spotify.com/track/23L5CiUhw2jV1OIMwthR3S?si=X1jlu5gSSsOIsb-GEcOG6g) by Martin Garrix and Bebe Rexha.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carla asks a question, Buck answers.

Buck, contrary to popular belief, is a morning person. It's Eddie who enjoys sleeping in and is like a grumpy cat until he gets his coffee.

So as always, it's Buck who wakes up first.

But this is the first time Buck has slept over since the lawsuit.

Buck normally skips breakfast in favour of a nice cup of sweet tea and starts his day off exercising instead. But Eddie doesn't. Eddie has a cup of black coffee, reads for a bit, and then starts making breakfast for Christopher. They eat together before Carla arrives.

Buck wants to make it up to Eddie, he knows he wasn't there for him or Christopher when they needed him most. He still hates himself for that. He's always the one who's abandoned, he hates that he did the same.

So today Buck starts his day off by showering before preparing coffee and breakfast for his Diaz boys.

It goes well. He manages to make five perfect pancakes before Christopher shuffles his way into the kitchen.

"Hey, buddy."

"Good morning Buck." Christopher smiles up at him, warming his heart, as he takes a seat.

"Do you want to eat first or wait for your dad to wake up?" Buck approaches Christopher as he asks this question, with the spatula in hand.

"Can we go wake him up?" Christopher asks instead.

Buck grins, ruffling Chris' hair, "of course, my little genius."

"Let's go." Buck nods towards Eddie's bedroom as he offers Christopher his hand.

Together they make their way to Eddie's room, Buck opens the door as quietly as possible — although it does squeak a bit. Christopher calls Eddie's name a few times, Buck tries as well.

Eddie is still dead asleep so of course, they do the next logical thing.

"Alright, little man, are you ready?"

"Ready."

"Three … two … one … _jump_!" Buck screeches the next word as he lifts Christopher onto Eddie's bed, placing him next to the man. After a squealing Christopher has been launched and landed it's Buck's turn.

Buck ends up sprawled over Eddie's legs.

"Ugh." Eddie groans but he remains down, he opens one eye to peek at them before closing it again.

"Wake up, Dad!"

"Yeah, wake up Eds."

Eddie groans again but he finally sits up. He smiles when he opens his eyes to Christopher.

"Morning Chris." He leans down to kiss his son's forehead.

He's still smiling brightly when he turns to look at Buck and the sight makes his heart clench with longing. He wants to lean forward and kiss this man, to wrap his arms around him and breathe in his scent.

Eddie snorts as his brows furrow, "why are you holding a spatula?"

"Oh shi — _iz_!" Buck leaps off the bed, ignoring Eddie's yelp of pain as he runs to the kitchen to check on the pancake.

Good news, there's no fire. Bad news, it's an extra crispy pancake.

He places the charred piece on a separate plate so it won't contaminate the ones he made earlier. When he looks up Eddie is by the counter, with Chris by his side, looking weary.

"Pancakes?" Buck shrugs, looking sheepish.

Eddie huffs, laughing softly, but he moves to set the table. He grabs two plates, some forks and butter knives.

"You only need one plate, you can use the one the pancakes are on." Buck points out.

"What about you?"

Buck wasn't planning to eat, these pancakes were for Eddie and Christopher, but he lifts the plate with the burnt pancake in answer.

Eddie seemingly satisfied, puts away the extra plate, and starts moving two pancakes to the one he had grabbed earlier. He pours some syrup Buck had left on the counter onto it before cutting it into small pieces and placing the plate in front of Christopher.

As Christopher eats Eddie moves to stand in front of Buck who is squirming under his questioning gaze.

"You can eat those while I make a few for me." Eddie says nodding towards the three pancakes.

"No man, I wanted to make breakfast _for_ you. You should go sit with Chris." Buck shakes his head in protest.

"Right, and if I go do that I'm sure you're going to be making some pancakes for _you_ to eat." Eddie scoffs.

"I'm not hungry but if it makes you feel better I was going to eat this one." Buck shrugs.

Eddie gapes, "no way Buck. Just throw that one out and go sit your butt down."

"I don't like wasting food!" Buck pouts, "it's fine. It's just a little crispier than the others."

Eddie facepalms, "that's not crispy! That is full-on burnt. You cannot eat that, it's bad for your health!"

"Okay, okay, fine. But I'm not hungry so please don't bother making pancakes that will just end up in your fridge. Please go eat."

Eddie crosses his arms and stares at Buck who frowns and holds his gaze. After a while, Eddie sighs and goes to sit next to Chris who has made it through his first pancake.

Buck does a few warmups, simple yoga poses to stretch his muscles. It's quiet for the next few minutes as Eddie and Christopher finish their breakfast.

Then someone's knocking at the door.

"I'll get it!" Buck shouts out when he hears the scraping of a chair.

"Buck?" Carla looks pleasantly surprised to be seeing his face at the door instead of Eddie's.

"Hi, Carla." Buck gives her a quick hug before stepping aside so she can make her way in.

"And there's my favourite Diaz!" Carla comments as she makes her way to Christopher, wrapping her arms around him.

Eddie is up putting the plates and utensils in the dishwasher so he can't turn around but he still greets Carla.

Carla talks to Chris for a bit, grabbing some things from the shelf for him to mess around with before sitting down on the floor with him.

"I'm going to go wash up now, thanks for breakfast Buck."

A few minutes pass before Carla pipes up, "breakfast, huh?"

"I wanted to help Eddie out." Buck says defensively.

"I'm not saying anything," Carla smiled as she turned away from Christopher who had started doodling, "he missed you, you know?"

Buck sighs, dragging his fingers through his hair, "yeah, I know."

"Not Christopher, _Eddie_." Carla huffs a laugh.

Buck freezes before smiling wistfully, "yeah, well, we're best friends."

Carla looks ready to argue with him for some reason but Christopher calls for her attention.

Buck gets back to his yoga and when he's done Carla calls out to him.

"Why'd you do it?"

Buck sighs. He wishes he didn't but he immediately knows what she's asking.

"I did it to be back with the 118. They're my family." Buck answers.

Carla doesn't say anything, waiting for Buck to continue.

"The rest of the 118 have families to go back to when they're done with work. To them, it's just a job. They do the job and when they're done they go back to their life. It's not — it's not like that for me. Being a firefighter is _all_ I have. I go in for my shift and _that's_ my family. _That's_ my life," Buck pauses before chuckling, "Chimney is like the annoying older brother; Hen is the fussy motherly one; Bobby's our dad; Eddie is … Eddie. They may not see me like family but they are … to me."

"Buckaroo —"

Carla's reply is cut off by Eddie walking back into the living room wearing his LAFD shirt.

"Sorry Carla, we should be getting to work now."

"Sure." Carla says, smiling sadly before giving them both quick hugs and pecking their cheeks.

"Buck," Carla catches his arm before he's out the door, whispering softly she says "you're wrong."

"What was that about?" Eddie questions as they make their way to his truck.

"Nothing."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Warnings:
> 
> Domestic Fluff — I'm allergic.
> 
> Copyright:
> 
> 9-1-1 © FOX
> 
> **✩║ A/N ║✩**
> 
> This was a fun little challenge for me. All of these were written on the days themselves but lightly edited on the 30th. I didn't want to post them until they were edited so I'm late to the party lmao.
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> Absolutely no critique please, I am always working on bettering myself but have crippling depression and anxiety.
> 
> This author sees and appreciates all comments, but may not reply to all.
> 
> Note: If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (social anxiety be like that sometimes fam), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


	2. Why Are You Naked?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team game night, no kids allowed.

Chimney is a freaking menace.

If it had been anyone else they would have made him do something simpler like serenading Bobby or doing a Morgan Freeman impression for the rest of the round. But Chimney lives for embarrassing Buck so of course, he dares him to sit in his boxers for the rest of the game.

It had started with Athena starting off the brainstorming session.

"No kids, we're free to play any adult game we want. So what should it be?"

Maddie had been quick to suggest poker and everyone had agreed despite Buck's protests. Wait till Maddie develops a reputation, they'd stop falling for that angelic look on her face. But that wasn't what they ended up actually playing. For some reason, Athena couldn't find her poker cards.

They're playing an alcohol inclusive, truth or dare version of _UNO_. It's exactly as chaotic as it sounds. Chimney had suggested playing this version of _UNO_ when they'd failed to find a set of poker cards in the Nash-Grant household.

Everyone is surprisingly desensitized to the fact that he's mostly naked.

"Why are you naked?"

Oh, crap.

Buck turns around, there Eddie is standing in the living room next to Athena. She must have gotten up to let him in. He didn't even notice her leave.

Eddie is staring at his boxers looking a little like a deer in headlights.

"I didn't think you were coming." Buck breathes.

Chimney mutters something under his breath but it must be too quiet for anyone other than Hen to hear because Buck sees her elbow him out of the corner of his eye.

"I dropped Christopher off at my abuela's house." Eddie says with a raised eyebrow. He's silently repeating his question.

"I lost a bet." Buck mumbles petulantly.

"You're playing _UNO_." Eddie gapes, bewildered.

" _Exactly_."

"It was Chimney's idea." Maddie pipes up, breaking whatever spell Buck and Eddie are under.

Everyone groans and Maddie looks sheepish, "whoops."

"What am I missing here?" Buck asks curiously.

"Nothing, nothing." Hen attempts to reassure him.

"You said it twice! Double nothings cancel each other out so what you really mean is something!" Buck points an accusing finger her way.

Eddie snorts behind him, "please don't teach Christopher that."

Buck sticks out his bottom lip, looking at Eddie with puppy-dog eyes.

Eddie inhales sharply, gulping as his eyes widen before biting the inside of his cheek.

"Boy, stop pouting. You agreed to his damn dare." Athena chides.

"Yes, Mum." Buck answers unthinkingly.

Everyone freezes.

"What?" Buck asks worried and confused, the realization hits him like a steel train, "oh crap, Athena I'm so sorry."

"Oh hush, I'd hug you right now but you're not wearing pants." Athena tells him.

Hen snorts and it starts off a chain reaction with everyone laughing. Even Athena who is normally _Too Tough And Mature To Have Fun™_.

Warmth fills Buck at the sight of everyone having so much fun. They're probably only having so much fun because they're tipsy but this feels so overwhelmingly familial and Buck didn't think that he'd ever be able to feel this way.

He thought that he'd forever be connecting the word family to a sense of sadness and pain that sucked all the light out of his life.

He wanted the experience to never end, the warmth.

But all good things would always end eventually, especially for Evan Buckley. He would always be abandoned eventually. He'd sure as hell try to appreciate this to the fullest extent and hold on to it for as long as possible though.

Having fun with family was a nice change of pace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Copyright:
> 
> 9-1-1 © FOX  
> UNO © Mattel
> 
> **✩║ A/N ║✩**
> 
> Eddie was Struggling™.
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> Absolutely no critique please, I am always working on bettering myself but have crippling depression and anxiety.
> 
> This author sees and appreciates all comments, but may not reply to all.
> 
> Note: If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (social anxiety be like that sometimes fam), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


	3. Please Don't Close Your Eyes!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buckley luck strikes again!

Someone should probably take the 118 off calls involving rebar of any kind.

The call doesn't start off simple. From the very start, it's complicated and dangerous, they have to use a saw to cut an opening into the building.

The emergency created entrance is tiny and they have to crawl through rubble for a bit to reach the area that hasn't caved in just yet. The part that should probably be more dangerous.

Eddie goes first because he's smaller, then Buck. The building was already compromised so it's not a surprise the saw made it worse. Buck's just shocked there was more rubble there to fall on top of him.

"Buck!" Eddie yells but at first Buck doesn't even know why he's shouting or why it sounds muffled.

When you experience an extreme amount of trauma your senses get overloaded. It's like you're numbly floating for a while, before the senses start returning to a state you can process.

Buck processes his hearing first, everything sounds muffled and strange because of the ringing in his ears. That's not good.

Buck groans. He can't see Eddie. He doesn't even realize his eyesight is no longer blurry till he's searching for his best friend and he can't find him.

He hears a sound behind him, it takes him a while to recognize the muttering. It takes him even longer for it to hit him that Chimney is touching his leg because he's half-sticking out of the building.

"Buck, you okay there buddy?" Chimney questions. He's clearly trying to keep his voice neutral like Hen does but his voice cracks when he says, _buddy_.

"I don't know." Buck gasps out. He's struggling to breathe and that's really not a good sign.

"Fuck." Buck curses when he uses his hands to feel the half of himself that's covered by rubble. Hysterical laughter bursts out of him, shaking the chunks of cement encapsulating him.

"Buck?" Chimney questions and he's not even bothering to attempt hiding his worry now.

Buck runs a hand down his face, " _ouch_ , shit."

He lets out another laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation.

"I'm going to die, Chim."

"Don't say that. Cap and Hen are trying to find another spot to burrow in so we can treat you from inside the building. Cap told Eddie to search for the family in the meantime."

" _Chimney_ , I've got a metal pole going through my torso and I don't even feel it. But the gash on my head hurts like a bitch."

Buck hears Chimney's sharp intake of breath clearly.

"Okay, okay, fuck, okay," Chim swears under his breath before pressing his radio, "Cap, we need to switch. I need you to talk Buck through this."

" _Chimney?_ " Bobby questions through the radio, somehow asking, ' _What the hell is going on?_ ', with one word.

"Get here, Cap. It's — it's not good."

Buck may be delirious but he doesn't miss the way Chimney almost says bad.

It doesn't take long for Buck to hear Bobby's voice through his own ears instead of the radio.

"Buck?"

"Hey, Bobby." Buck huffs, he didn't even realize but he had started tearing up at some point because he's sniffling.

"It's okay, kid, you're going to be fine."

"I think I've used up all of my _get out of death_ free cards, Bobby."

"No, you haven't. You're a Buckley. You guys are as tough as they come!"

"Heh, my father would be so proud to hear you say that. He'd insist that it was his excessive disciplining that did it." Buck chuckles mirthlessly.

"Buck?" Bobby questions.

"He made sure we were tough. I think he went easy on Maddie because she was the wanted child, or maybe it was because she's a girl. But he _beat_ the toughness into me. It worked though."

"Buck …" Bobby gasps, sounding heartbroken.

"I wish you were my dad." Buck confesses, all of his energy draining out of him as he slumps.

"It doesn't matter, kid." Bobby says.

"But it does. Maybe if I was your kid I wouldn't be such a screwup, or maybe I was always meant to be this way."

"No," Bobby's voice is hard and firm, it's jarring and keeps him from passing out, "blood doesn't matter. I do see you as a son. And you are anything but a failure. God kid, you're everything."

Bobby chokes on something.

"I'm so tired, I have been for a while now."

It's almost funny because Buck freezes as if he's confessing this huge secret, but if he's dying it doesn't matter. None of it matters.

"Don't you dare close your eyes, you have to stay awake!" Bobby orders.

"Just a nap, Dad, I'm so tired. I just — I just want to sleep." Buck slurs.

" _Buck_ ," Bobby gasps and makes that choking sound again, " _Evan_ , please, son. Please don't close your eyes!"

But Buck has never been one to follow orders.

He drifts off into a peaceful sleep.

And then there's a bright, white light in his face.

"I hate hospitals." Buck groans as he opens his eyes.

" _Buck_."

Buck turns to his left to see Bobby who starts chuckling but it turns into a sob and then he's hugging Buck. Buck is kind of in shock so he numbly pats Bobby on the back.

When Bobby detaches himself from Buck he looks down and realizes that weight on his chest is Christopher fast asleep, tucked into his side.

" _Chris_?" Buck is smiling warmly down at one of the few people who own his heart, his gaze is soft despite the bandages wrapped around his head.

"He didn't want to leave your side," Bobby says making Buck look up at him questioningly, Bobby somehow gets what he's silently asking, "neither did his father. He only stepped out to get more coffee and I think some food for Christopher when he wakes up."

"Hospital vending machine food is probably an improvement from Eddie's cooking." Buck scoffs.

"Hey, that's — Buck?" Eddie walks in ready to defend himself clearly not expecting Buck to be awake. He plops the coffee cup and sandwiches down on an empty chair.

"Hey, Eds." Buck says breathlessly.

"You _maldito idiota_ , you're on blood thinners! You can't go around getting stabbed by rebar!" Eddie throws his hands up as he seethes but soon the anger bleeds away into relief, "I was so worried about you, you _guapo_."

"I didn't _ask_ the rubble to fall down onto me and drive a metal pole through my chest," Buck rolls his eyes a holds his arm out expectantly.

Eddie crosses his arms and stares and Buck, his gaze hard.

"Come on Eds, my arm is getting tired here."

Eddie huffs and moves forward, leaning down to place his forehead in the crook of Buck's neck as Buck wraps his left arm around him. His right arm is busy encircling Christopher.

"Just so you know the only reason why Maddie isn't here is that she nearly passed out, so Chimney took her home." Eddie mumbles.

Buck recoils in shock, "what? Is she okay?"

"Yes, she's fine," Eddie chuckles as he stands back up, "you're the one who needed a seven-hour surgery and you're asking if Maddie is fine."

"She's my sister," Buck answers without hesitation but then he pauses when a question pops into his head, "how long has it been?"

"Two days." Bobby pipes up.

"Two _days_?"

"They couldn't operate immediately, you lost too much blood. They had to give you a blood transfusion first."

"Did you guys go home for a bit at least?" Buck asked, hearing that Maddie had nearly passed out made him fear that these two were close behind.

"No." Bobby and Eddie answered simultaneously.

Bobby's voice was soft and reassuring compared to Eddie's which was hard and dripping in anger as if the thought of him leaving Buck was the most disgusting and offensive thing to ever walk to earth.

These were two people Buck loved and adored for two completely different reasons but with the same fierceness and they had refused to leave his side. It made Buck long for his dreams to be true. That Bobby could be his dad, and Eddie his boyfriend.

Even if that weren't the case, in moments like these when he's all drugged up without a care in the world, he can trick himself into believing that it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Warnings:
> 
> Mentioned Child Abuse — Buck's biological father in this verse' was a POS.
> 
> Copyright:
> 
> 9-1-1 © FOX
> 
> **✩║ A/N ║✩**
> 
> Hurt!Buck is the good shit right there.
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> Absolutely no critique please, I am always working on bettering myself but have crippling depression and anxiety.
> 
> This author sees and appreciates all comments, but may not reply to all.
> 
> Note: If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (social anxiety be like that sometimes fam), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


	4. You Want To Marry Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck and Eddie are mistaken for a couple on the job.

"Christopher wants to sleepover at a friend's house this weekend," Eddie says as he's checking a guy for any signs of injuries, "sir, I need you to follow my finger — no concussion, that's good."

"Are you nervous about that?" Buck asks as he's securing the harness onto the hiker.

"A little —" at the look on Buck's face he relents, "okay, so I'm really nervous. But I'm glad he's got friends who want to spend time with him outside of school."

Eddie hooks the rope onto the harness and Buck hums, "he's a cool kid, and smart. He has your phone number memorized so he knows how to contact you on his own. And I'm sure you're going to leave the kid's parents with a whole list of instructions."

"Yeah, but it's the little things I'm worried about." Eddie sighs, frustrated.

"Like?"

"He can't cut his food into tiny pieces on his own, it's something they'd probably expect from their own kid. What if they forget to do it?"

Buck chuckles and Eddie glares at him.

" _Eds_ , you have to actually trust people sometimes you know. If it's written down they'll do it. You can even get Carla to check up on him for a bit."

"Yeah, you're right."

The guy they've been working on rescuing groans.

"Can you two pansies get on with your job already? God, you people shouldn't be allowed to be firefighters. At the very least married queers shouldn't be working _together_."

Both Buck and Eddie whip their heads towards the hiker in shock.

This guy fell down the side of a cliff and hit his head in the process. He only survived because he landed on the ledge. How can someone who was practically inches away from death be so rude?

"Man, get some priorities." Buck scoffed.

Eddie who had been shaking with anger shoots him a warning, "Buck —"

"We're not married and Eddie ain't even gay. But, it would be none of your business if that was the case. You're so lucky you're being treated by _this_ guy," Buck juts his thumb in Eddie's direction for emphasis, "he's a freaking vet. He fought in a war protecting your sorry ass. And he's pretty much the best human being. On top of being the best dad in the world, he still finds time to be an amazing friend. I would be damn lucky if I was married to him."

Buck has no idea why he even said the last part aloud. He had meant to keep it in his head.

The hiker at least has the decency to look ashamed but he's still glaring at Buck's hand which is resting on the harness.

Okay yeah, he kind of made his feeling for Eddie obvious during his little speech. He's lucky Eddie is even more oblivious than him.

"The rope's secure!" Chimney yells from above.

"And that's what we were waiting for you numnut." Buck adds for good measure.

"Buck." Eddie snaps, effectively shutting him up.

Okay, yeah. It was kind of uncalled for and he's lucky Eddie's not going to rat him out to Bobby.

"Just stay still and you'll be fine." Eddie reassures the guy before alerting Chimney that the hiker is secure.

It goes smoothly and the guy ends up back on safe land fairly quickly.

After that Buck and Eddie get pulled back up without any issues.

Eddie waits until they're back in the firehouse to tease Buck.

"So, you want to marry me, huh?" He's smirking and smiling cheekily, logically Buck knows he's joking.

His heart doesn't though. It stutters, skipping a beat at the very idea of Eddie asking the question.

 _Yes_.

There's nothing he could ever want more.

If Eddie asked him right that second Buck would say yes.

He didn't even need to think about it because he adores Eddie and Christopher. The thought of being part of that, being a family with them, makes his heart clench with longing.

He wants that so badly that if he wasn't so good at controlling himself he'd be crying.

But he could never tell Eddie any of that.

So instead he gives him a wry grin, "I'm not going to answer that. Your ego's big enough as it is."

Something in Eddie's expression flickers and his eyes softens just the tiniest bit before it's gone and he's smirking, "that's already an answer in and of itself, _querido_."

For a foolish second Buck dreams that he's saying something that's a romantic term of endearment.

But he knows that's the most unlikely case, the tendril of doubt forever living in his chest captures the hope and shatters it.

Maybe one day he'll be able to look at Eddie and not have a thousand visions of a future he'll never get to experience. Today is not that day though and neither is tomorrow. Because at the moment he's desperately and irrevocably in love with Eddie Diaz.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Warnings:
> 
> Minor Homophobia — It's very brief and fleeting.
> 
> Copyright:
> 
> 9-1-1 © FOX
> 
> **✩║ A/N ║✩**
> 
> Prompt: love.  
> Me: angst?  
> Prompt: no, love.  
> Me: … angst?
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> Absolutely no critique please, I am always working on bettering myself but have crippling depression and anxiety.
> 
> This author sees and appreciates all comments, but may not reply to all.
> 
> Note: If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (social anxiety be like that sometimes fam), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


	5. You're a Good Liar.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck hides the aftermath of a rough call, but he didn't account for Athena.

Everyone returned back to the station looking absolutely exhausted.

The call hadn't gone well.

It had been a _kid_. A seventeen-year-old.

That was the hardest part. He had been old enough to know just how horrible life can be but young enough that he had barely started living. He was still stuck living under his mother's hold.

Buck was devastated that he hadn't been the one to try talking the kid down, maybe it would have worked then, but he was also so incredibly glad.

He really wishes he could have protected Hen from having to see the look on the kid's face before he stepped off.

He could imagine it so clearly and he hadn't seen it.

Buck understands that Bobby wanted an EMT to be there when the kid came down but why hadn't he let Buck talk him down? Was it because of the incident with the collapsed building? Buck didn't remember everything that happened that day but he thought Bobby trusted him. It's not like he could have knows the rubble was going to fall and impale him.

It's just … the kid reminded Buck so much of himself. Especially with how he committed suicide. Buck's past attempt was one of his first interactions with firefighters, his second being after he left South America.

"Hey, Buckaroo." Buck hears, his head snapping towards the sound of the voice.

"Athena," he breathes out, "what are you doing here?"

"I was checking on Bobby, he's been an emotional wreck lately what with almost losing you and Michael's cancer. He feels stupidly guilty."

"We're ten feet away from the kitchen." Buck points out.

"Eh, he's busy stress-baking. He can't hear us. But if you wanted to continue this conversation somewhere else I'd be glad to." Athena smiles but it's one of those 'you can't say no to me' smiles like she's daring him to avoid her.

"Okay, I'm not sure privacy is an option in a firehouse though?" Buck mumbles.

"Perfect. Bobby, I'm borrowing your office for a bit!" Athena yells before leading Buck away.

"What's up Athena?" Buck asks once they're behind the closed door of the office.

"I didn't get this good at my job without being keenly observant," Athena starts off, already making Buck nervous, "you were playing a video game earlier."

"I was." Buck nods and Athena narrows her eyes.

"The only time you're quiet is when you're hyper-focused on something. And when you're in the state of mind you don't lose. When you're playing normally you're always really boisterous."

"Ah." Buck sees where she's going with this.

"So, you tell me what's going on, I'm here to listen." Athena says before sitting behind Bobby's desk.

"You caught on really quick." Buck rubs his neck nervously.

"Well, it's my job."

Buck takes a deep breath before the words come pouring out of him.

"We lost a kid today."

Athena stays silent, giving Buck space and time to prepare himself.

"He was _seventeen_. That's the — that's the same age _I_ was when I tried jumping. I just — I keep thinking about how he felt and that reminds me of how _I_ felt. His mother was _horrible_ , he told Hen all about how she would control his every move. He couldn't eat, drink, or sleep without her permission. And my father wasn't _that_ controlling but he was pretty bad too. I feel like I'm a kid again."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that, those calls are the worst," Athena says as she gets up, moving forward to throw her arms around Buck, "I'm so glad you're still here."

Buck collapses into her arms, slumping forward, resting his chin on her shoulder. They stay like that for a while.

When Athena releases her hold on Buck, he steps away. He gives her a warm smile before saying, "I'm fine now Athena. Thanks for listening."

But Athena catches his arm before he can turn away. She tilts her chin up and looks at him with a raised eyebrow, "you're a good liar."

"I'm not —" Buck's stomach sinks.

"Yes, you are. Boy, you are the furthest thing from fine, you're exhausted."

"I haven't been sleeping," Buck admits with a sigh, "I keep dreaming about my father."

"Do I need to arrest him?" Athena says very seriously.

"I don't think you'd even be able to do that," Buck says, when Athena gives him a look he adds on, "it's not about you. There's no evidence since the whole town adores him. They'd probably all defend him and say I needed extra harsh disciplining."

Athena bristles and Buck realizes that's the first time he'd outright admitted the abuse instead of vaguely dancing around the topic.

"If I ever meet that man he's done for." Athena vows kissing Buck's cheek in a motherly manner. Buck's heart clenches at the affectionate move, his mother had never done stuff like that. She was distant.

"Thanks 'Thena." Buck mumbles as Athena hugs him again. This time he soaks it up. Accepting the affection like a warm blanket of protection against the cold draught that was his past.

Athena was a more stable figure in his life than his mother had ever been. He hadn't even said anything and she had sought him out, offering comfort like it was the simplest thing in the world.

And he supposed it was. For anyone else. But not his mother.

The 118 would forever be the family he always wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Warnings:
> 
> Mentioned Suicide — The call that triggers Buck is one where a kid is on a ledge, they don't save him.
> 
> Past Child Abuse — Buck talks about his father with Athena.
> 
> Mentioned Past Attempt — Buck in this 'verse attempted when he was young.
> 
> Copyright:
> 
> 9-1-1 © FOX
> 
> **✩║ A/N ║✩**
> 
> This fic is basically everyone slowly learning of Buck's past abuse.
> 
> In other news, I think I may be allergic to my cat whoops. Hey, what's another one to add to the list amirite?
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> Absolutely no critique please, I am always working on bettering myself but have crippling depression and anxiety.
> 
> This author sees and appreciates all comments, but may not reply to all.
> 
> Note: If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (social anxiety be like that sometimes fam), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


	6. I Won't Let You Do This.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck is reckless, his family is worried.

Chimney and Hen had gone out on a call and had yet to return.

Buck admits that he started panicking pretty early on, there were a million possibilities. What if the ambulance had exploded? Or someone drove into them? Or one of their patients started leaking gas? But seeing Eddie and Bobby remain calm tampered the anxiety down, at least until Athena showed up.

It turned out to be so much worse than that.

The ambulance had been hijacked and used in a robbery. Chimney and Hen were forced getaway drivers, it was a big heist so a few of the guys were injured. They probably expected that hence kidnapping their EMTs.

Athena, when going through the street cameras, realized what had gone down the second she saw the number on the side of the ambulance.

Due to her close relationship with Hen, and Chimney working for her husband, Athena was nearly taken off the case. If it wasn't for Athena's strong work ethic and her having proved many times before that she knows how to stay professional it probably would have happened.

Normally any sharing of evidence with civilians would be conducted down at the station but with the timed nature of this case, Athena had no choice but to show them the footage at the firehouse.

They had managed to get two pieces of evidence: a grainy street cam recording showing the ambulance parked down the street from the bank, and security footage from a convenience store. Chimney and Hen could be seen getting out of the truck and walking into the store. They grabbed some snacks and walked back towards the ambulance.

The timecode on the security footage was from before the robbery and it seemed perfectly mundane except for the fact Chimney and Hen would never forgo Bobby's cooking in favour of packaged snacks.

Those were for whoever was holding them hostage.

Athena looked proud when Buck pointed out as much but she quickly schooled her expression. The main point of showing them the evidence was to see if they had left any clues only their teammates could decipher.

With that in mind, the three of them combed through the footage.

"It's morse code!" Buck realized as he stared at Chimney's recorded figure, tapping on the counter. At first glance, it had looked like he was simply antsy, but _Buck_ was the one who taught him morse.

It had been back when he was healing and Chimney was over, they were both incredibly bored and that somehow turned into teaching each other morse and sign language. Apparently Chimney taught himself ASL in case they ever needed to treat anyone who couldn't communicate their symptoms.

It was a way more thoughtful reasoning than Buck's.

Maddie, of course, already knew both of them. When they were younger communicating through morse was their way of surviving that horrid house. But much like Chimney, she had learnt ASL when she was studying to become a nurse.

"What's he saying?" Athena prompted immediately and Buck's heart swelled. She didn't doubt him for a second.

"He gets cut off when the cashier is done but it looks like he's trying to tap out a name? Shit, he's so bad at this — okay, I think it's something Avenue." Buck ran a hand through his hair feeling stressed.

"Could it be Gardena Avenue?"

"Yes! He didn't leave a long enough space between tapping out certain letters but that's probably it."

"There's a row of houses there and it's close enough to the bank but just outside the search radius, I'll get my team on it."

But Buck couldn't stand by and not do anything.

Buck chases after Athena as she's barking orders down her phone, when she's done she turns to him with a weary expression on her face like she knows what he's about to ask.

"No."

"I haven't said anything yet!"

"This is a hostage situation! You can't help me in any way."

Buck flinches back with unexpected hurt at her words, "but I managed to figure out Chim's message."

"You did good, kid, but that was the end of it. What are you going to do? Go in there and negotiate with the robbers until they let Hen and Chimney walk free?" Athena's gaze is soft but her tone is hard, this isn't something he can argue with her on.

Buck's face falls, he opens and closes his mouth a few times before he sighs, relenting, "okay."

"Good, now just leave this to me. Go be with your sister, she's going to need you."

As Athena walks away a realization hits Buck.

That's the thing, isn't it? No one needs Buck. Not really.

Eddie doesn't need him, he'll be replaced by some pretty young thing soon enough. Someone who's bright, untouched by darkness, and actually has the curves that Eddie would actually be attracted to.

Bobby doesn't need him, Buck isn't his real son. He's just a surrogate for the real thing. Something he lost. But even then Bobby has May and Harry.

Athena isn't his mum. She doesn't even like Buck, not really. He's a punk kid who makes her job a lot harder than it needs to be. He even gives her husband a hard time.

Hen has her family at home who need her.

Chimney deserves to get more time with the family who finally appreciates him, he'd lost that once before and it wasn't fair for him to lose that again. Maddie too.

Maddie would be better off without him, she would be so much happier. She only met Doug because of him. If it wasn't for him she wouldn't have stayed and met Doug.

Buck thinks back to what Athena said. They couldn't send a cop in the negotiate because a cop would make a bunch of criminals nervous. But they could send a firefighter. And if he was on his own, not sent by the cops that would be even better.

Buck feels something land on his shoulder causing him to startle.

"Buck?"

It's Eddie.

Buck turns around to look at his best friend.

Eddie is staring at him with worry and concern in his eyes. Buck winces at the sight. Great, just great. He's unnecessarily making Eddie worry.

Buck runs a hand through his hair and Eddie's eyes track the movement, "I'm fine."

Buck knows the lie is obvious because Buck isn't someone who can be fine when two of his teammates and closest friends are missing.

Eddie narrows his eyes at him and then with a voice dripping with suspicion he says, "you know, it's okay to _not_ be fine."

Something in Buck snaps. He takes a step back, flinching away from Eddie. The anxiety is coiling around his heart, squeezing it, crushing it. His lungs feel heavy.

It takes everything in Buck not to repeat the lecture he's heard a thousand times. But just because he doesn't say it aloud, just because he keeps his darkness away from Eddie, doesn't mean it isn't eating him whole.

He can hear his father's voice in his head.

 _You're a Buckley, you have to do better_.

Buck, still leaning away from Eddie, swallows and takes a deep breath. His face grows hard, "I said I'm fine."

Eddie looks ready to argue but Buck is across the room before he can say anything. Buck doesn't get a chance to see the look on his face after he leaves if he did he probably would have noticed the utter heartbreak. Eddie never wanted his suspicions to be confirmed.

Bobby had taken the firehouse off service and given the firefighters on shift permission to go home. He didn't want to risk any lives, with everyone reeling from the news of the kidnapping it was hard to be working at their best.

Buck gets changed and quickly leaves, practically running to his car. But anyone bothering to look would have seen the hard, determined look on his face and realized he wasn't going home.

And Eddie was looking. He always was.

As he nears Gardena Avenue Buck switches off his headlights. They're probably watching every car that turns it, looking for anyone who might be onto them.

They definitely dumped the ambulance and it never actually occurred to Buck that he didn't know which house they were holding Chimney and Hen in.

The cops couldn't storm the entire street, they needed an exact location before they could make their move.

But this is where being a civilian comes in handy. Buck should be able to look around inconspicuously.

Just as Buck is about to step out from behind his car someone grabs his arm and yanks him back, pinning him to the car door.

" _Eddie_?" Buck gasps.

Oh man, he looks furious.

"What the hell are you planning Buck?" Eddie grits out, somehow moving closer to Buck.

Okay, looks like they're just throwing personal space out of the window now.

"I don't know what you mean, I'm just taking a walk." Buck says lowly, it's warning and they both know it, but Eddie presses on regardless.

"Don't be an idiot, leave this to the cops."

"And what if they take too long? These guys won't bat an eye, they'll blast Hen and Chim's brains out the second they see police cars." Buck hates himself a little for the way his crude phrasing makes Eddie close his eyes in pain. He knows it's cruel but if reminding him of what he's seen is what it takes, he'll do it.

"So that's it, then? Your plan is to what, go in and give them a heads up? You don't think they'll shoot you before cutting their losses? They're not going to release Hen and Chimney out of gratitude."

If Buck could he would be shoving Eddie right now.

"I'm not a fucking idiot, don't talk to me like I am," Buck snaps but he's still keeping his volume low, "I have a plan. I'm going to save them."

Eddie shuts his eyes again, this time he takes a deep breath before whispering, "I won't let you do this."

"You can't stop me." And they both know it.

But Eddie doesn't release his hold on him just yet, "at least let me help you."

"You can't." Buck says and the horror in his voice shocks both of them.

Eddie has too much at home and Buck will admit that his plan _is_ risky.

Eddie looks lost as he steps back, finally letting Buck go.

Buck noticed it during his argument with Eddie but all the houses had started switching on their lights except for one. It had a sale sign in front of it.

Well, that wasn't smart. Picking a house with owners means more hostages but picking an empty house is just sloppy.

He walks around the house, doing his best to peek in without being seen. There aren't any curtains and the house is void of all furniture so he gets a clear view but that means it's a risky one.

He can see two guys arguing, one looks like a stereotypical criminal, all muscle and hard features and the other has his shirt off with gauze taped to his shoulder. He can see Hen and Chimney silently patching up another member of their crew, this one is unconscious and has lost a lot of blood, that much is clear.

The next person he spots throws Buck off, it's a kid. An actual kid. He looks about Christopher's age. Then a guy walks in from the back and hands the kid a sandwich. He too throws Buck off. He doesn't look violent like the other men do.

The way Hen turns to look at him with worry in her eyes just confirms his suspicions.

This is getting fucking complicated.

Then the two guys who are arguing stop, they turn to look at the father before walking upstairs to continue their conversation. Buck decides to take a risk, tapping the glass quietly enough for the people downstairs to hear but not the two upstairs.

The guy stares at him with wide eyes, he briefly looks upstairs, clearly trying to see if the others had heard him. Hen whispers something to him, Chimney just looks exasperated.

The father gets up heading for the back, Buck does too.

When they finally meet face-to-face he looks far less friendly then he did from afar.

"Are you trying to get your friends killed?" He grits out.

"I'm trying to save them." Buck argues.

He looks briefly amused before he schools his features, "well there are three guys upstairs: Jack, Kelly, and Ryan, but the one you have to look out for is Jack. He's the boss and his brother, Luke, is the one who's bleeding out."

"Bleeding out?" Buck asks curious, his phrasing gives away that he doesn't think he'll make it.

"He's lost too much and the meatheads upstairs won't listen to your EMTs so he can't get a transfusion. When he dies Jack's going to lose it."

"I need you to get me in." Buck says quickly.

The guy whose name Buck still doesn't know looks momentarily shocked, his eyes widen and he whispers, "that's going to end badly."

"I have a timed message on my phone. If I'm not alive to delay it, it'll go through and this place will be swarmed with cops." Buck lies. He doesn't know how to do something like that.

"This place is going to be swarmed soon anyways." The guy points out, not sounding one bit bothered by his imminent doom.

"I just want to get my teammates out, okay?" Buck says tiredly.

"So take them and go, the others are upstairs right now, aren't they?" The guy shrugs.

Buck stills, "just like that? What about your son?"

The guy's gaze hardens before he says his next words slowly, "obviously you take him too, or else I'm telling Jack about you."

"Your son won't leave you." Buck insists.

He looks regretful, "he's going to have to. I need to distract them. They were never going to let us live anyways."

Buck gets the feeling that there's a lot more going on here but he can't get into it.

"Danny!" A yell is heard from upstairs. The guy, Danny, gives Buck a rueful smile before going upstairs to play the distraction.

Buck returns to the window, to check if anyone had made their way downstairs. It's just Hen, Chim, and the boy.

"Hey, guys." Buck whispers when he sneaks his way in. Hen and Chim are already standing, Hen is carrying the boy who looks sad but he's quiet. They must have already talked to him and Buck gets the impression they had already planned to escape with him, they never needed Buck.

It's easy to sneak out but the second they're out the back door everything goes to hell. A shot rings out and the kid is sobbing, burying his head into Hen. They all start running.

When they round the corner Eddie is there running towards them, his face white but overcome with relief when he sees them all. He figures out pretty quickly that they're not safe yet so he starts leading them to his truck.

The robbers have made it out of the house and have their guns trained on the truck but then the cops descend and they have to choose between shooting and running. They all run. The scene makes Buck want to burst out laughing but then he looks at the three guys and remembers that Danny is probably dead.

The five cop cars that turn in, blocking most exits, were too close when their sirens were heard meaning they were already on the way.

The cops that are on foot catch two of the runners easily. The third one, probably Jack, manages to book it in-between some houses.

An ambulance drives in and they all get out of the truck.

"Jesus." Buck breathes, he doesn't know what he expected but it wasn't that.

Buck turns to see Eddie, Chimney, and Hen — still holding the kid — glaring at him.

"What?"

"I'll deal with you later." Hen mutters before carrying the boy off to the ambulance.

No one says anything until Athena walks back onto the street leading the missing gang leader to a cop car. When that's done Athena looks around, her eyes landing on them.

" _Shit_."

Why was everyone so pissed at him? Chimney and Hen are fine.

Athena stalks up to them, "Chimney go get yourself checked by the EMTs and then give your statement."

And then she whirls on Eddie, "did you encourage him?"

"The opposite, but this stubborn _cabrón_ wouldn't listen to me. " Eddie doesn't even look annoyed, just tried, as he runs a hand down his face.

Athena looks sympathetic and pats Eddie on the shoulder before turning to Buck.

"I'm calling a house meeting. Once Hen and Chimney are finished giving their statements we're all sitting down and having a nice long chat about why you decided to go looking for trouble when I told you to stay out of it."

"I —" Buck opens his mouth to argue but gets cut-off by Athena.

"Uh-uh, save it for the meeting." Athena then stalks off, presumably to do her job.

Buck and Eddie stand there in awkward silence for a few minutes before a broken whisper is heard, "you could have been hurt."

"But I wasn't." Buck shrugs.

Eddie groans in frustration, "I'm dragging you back to my place."

"Okay?"

"And then we're going to talk. Just us. You can talk to the others tomorrow."

"Okay?" Buck repeats, incredibly confused. But he follows Eddie anyways.

The drive is silent. It's a frustrating silence. Buck is confused and hopped up on adrenaline, Eddie is annoyed with him for some reason and Buck wishes he knew why. The continually brewing tension is so overwhelming that Buck is ready to tuck and roll out of the car.

When they arrive at Eddie's house Buck heaves a sigh of relief. Normally Eddie would at least throw a questioning gaze at his antics but now he's not even looking at him. Buck follows closely behind.

"Where's Christopher?" Buck asks when Eddie opens his door and the house is enveloped in darkness.

"He's with my aunt, I'm going to pick him up in a few hours since technically we're still on shift."

And then, when he hears Buck close the door behind him, Eddie whirls on Buck. Eddie places a hand on Buck's chest, pushing him up against the door, "why don't you seem to care about your life, Buck?"

"I —" Buck starts to say but he realizes that the lies need to stop and his face falls, he mutters dejectedly, "I just think that in the long run losing me would matter less."

Eddie fists his shirt, "you're so wrong. There's no choice to be made here Buck, you're a member of this team, this _family_. Everyone matters equally here."

"But Hen has her family at home who need her! Maddie loves Chim so much, after Doug that can't get taken away from her!" Buck shouts.

Eddie wrenches him forward, crashing their lips together. Neither of them makes a move to deepen it, they just stay there. Until Eddie lets go of Buck and turns around, walking away.

Buck hears Eddie whisper, "what about me?"

"Eddie —"

And then he turns back around to stare at Buck with wet eyes and a deep scowl, "what about Christopher? Why didn't it ever occur to you that after Shannon, losing you would _break_ us?"

"It's not the same." Buck argues, shaking his head. Eddie gapes at him.

"Of course it is! I love you. _¡Eres un idiota absoluto_! Christopher adores you! We're basically co-parenting him."

"Oh," Buck whispers as the realization hits him, "everyone was upset because they were worried about me?"

His voice is small and it comes out sounding child-like.

" _Yeah,_ " Eddie says as tears stream down his face.

Buck closes the distance between them, standing in front of Eddie and cupping his face.

"I'm sorry." He whispers as he brushes away the tears.

They meet in the middle. The kiss is sweet and sensual, Buck feels like he's reliving his teenage dreams. When they separate they don't go very far. They lean their foreheads against each other.

"I know you won't ever stop being this amazing person who cares so much but please put more value on your life?"

"Apparently I'm pretty wanted so you guys will do all the work for me."

"Yeah, you are." Eddie says.

Tomorrow, when they meet up with the others, Buck will admit all of his insecurities and Bobby will probably suggest doing a weekly group therapy for the whole team.

But tonight he's going to spend it with Eddie and Chris feeling loved and wanted, putting the past at the back of his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Warnings:
> 
> Character Death — It's off-screen and the character only makes a brief appearance but it happens.
> 
> Copyright:
> 
> 9-1-1 © FOX
> 
> **✩║ A/N ║✩**
> 
> I absolutely bullshitted my way through the street name shit. Also for some reason, my laptop keeps correcting Doug to dough. Okay, um, I'm normally allergic to emotions but for some reason, Buck realizing "hey, yeah, people actually give a shit about me" is making me tear up.
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> Absolutely no critique please, I am always working on bettering myself but have crippling depression and anxiety.
> 
> This author sees and appreciates all comments, but may not reply to all.
> 
> Note: If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (social anxiety be like that sometimes fam), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


	7. You Don't Get To Talk About Him!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mister and Missus Buckley are in town.

"How's Connor?" Buck asks Hen as they watch the kids of the 118 running around the playground.

Connor being Hen's newest foster. His father was the robber who had sacrificed his life for his son. Hen had been so kind and loving the whole time they were in captivity together that the kid had a panic attack when they tried to take him away from her. Since Hen was a great foster mother to Nia, CPS had no problem leaving Connor in her care.

"He's perfect, honestly. I'm just worried he's too perfect?" Hen says, sounding unsure.

"What do you mean?" Buck turns to her as he says this, her eyes are completely focused on Connor and Denny.

"I think the gunmen shouted at him a lot, he doesn't like worrying us. Sometimes it takes him having a meltdown for him to tell us what was overwhelming him." Hen clenches her fist. If they weren't safely behind bars Buck thinks Hen would have killed them.

"Yeah, I get that," Hen looks at him as he says this, "sometimes I still feel too scared to admit what I'm feeling. It's been years and a part of me still feels like emotions are weak."

Hen throws her arms around Buck, looking incredibly proud.

"Well, you're talking about it now Buckaroo. I love you and I'm so proud of you."

When they separate Buck asks another burning question of his, "how has Denny been taking this?"

Hen raises an eyebrow.

" _This_ , as in having foster siblings."

"I don't think we explained the situation well, he's still young. He's at that age where he gets attached easily. I hope he doesn't feel too bad when the kids leave our care." Hen replies looking sad but her eyes are filled with love as she watches her son chase his foster brother around in a game of tag.

That's when Buck notices Christopher standing off to the side watching the others as well. _Oh_.

He's been getting increasingly more upset about his CP lately. It's as if the skateboard incident triggered this snowball effect. He was loving the skateboard Buck had gotten for him but he just wanted to be able to play with other kids in the same way.

Buck wishes there was something, anything, he could do to change that.

At the very least he wanted to boost Christopher's confidence somehow, the kid used to just ask the other kids if they could play something else.

Buck gets up from the bench and approaches him, "hey, Chris?"

"Yes, Bucky?" Christopher looks up at him.

"How about we go grab some ice cream?"

Christopher's face lights up at the suggestion so Buck lifts him off the ground, carrying him in his arms, Christopher's arms fly up and he wraps them around his neck.

"Go home, I'll drop Harry off." Hen says with a warm smile on her face.

Buck wants to argue that he can come back, Christopher just needs a little pick me up, but when he looks down at his boy — who is actively avoiding looking at the kids running around — he concedes.

"You're a good dad, Buck." Hen says and Buck's smile grows so wide, he hugs Chris a little tighter.

"I'm bribing Chris with ice-cream." Buck argues mainly because it's funny.

"Yes, that's the most parental move out there," Hen nods sagely before hitting Buck's back, "now go."

"Alright, buddy. Let's get you a treat." Buck whispers down to Chris who nods.

The place they go to isn't very far from the playground. It's a cute, little place. Very hipster which is pretty much the standard for Los Angeles.

It's also next to a Wiccan shop. Buck loves those places, Eddie doesn't. His face, when Buck mentioned one of his scented candles was from a Wiccan shop, was hilarious.

Buck set Christopher down in the store so he could peer into the case showcasing the different options.

"What flavour do you want, buddy?" 

"Salted caramel!" Buck makes a face at that.

He and Maddie have never been fans of salted caramel but for some reason, his Diaz boys love salted caramel.

"One salted caramel, and one cookie and cream." Buck orders.

Christopher watches fascinated as they scoop the ice-cream into wafer bowls.

"Uh, no sprinkles and stuff." Buck tacks on when he sees her reaching for the toppings.

"You don't want any toppings?" Why does she sound confused? That's a lot of sugar right there.

"Um, yeah. That'd be too sweet." Buck cringes.

"Okay." She shrugs before ringing up their order.

"Alright, Chris. You have to eat this slowly." Buck ruffles his hair as he leads Chris to a table by the window, carrying his salted caramel ice-cream.

Once Christopher is all set-up and eating his ice-cream Buck turns around to get his own bowl. When he turns back around he nearly drops his ice-cream.

"Eddie?"

Eddie is sitting at the table with Chris, he must have walked in when Buck's back was turned.

"Hey, Buck." Eddie smiles warmly as he slides into his seat.

"Hen texted you?"

"Hen drove you guys here." Eddie huffs a laugh.

"Oh, right." Buck smiles sheepishly before stuffing his face with ice-cream.

"Bucky, you told me to eat slowly." Chris pouts as he watches Buck eat his ice-cream.

"Because I don't want you to get a brain freeze."

"Why don't you stay over today, we can go into work tomorrow together?" Eddie asks.

Buck turns to see the love of his life watching him through adoring eyes, it makes his own eyes soften as he stares back, "sure, I just need to grab a few things from my loft."

"You already have most of your stuff at my place." Eddie rolls his eyes but his smile is brighter. As if Buck could ever say no to him.

"I don't know if you've noticed but I've been over there so much recently that all of my clothes are in the wash." Buck says dryly.

Eddie cringes, "yeah, I have been putting off doing the laundry. Sorry about that."

"I can do it tonight." Buck waves him off.

"Can we play _Monopoly_?" Chris pipes up.

"Sure, buddy." Eddie says.

It doesn't take them long to finish the ice-cream and pile into Eddie's truck afterwards. Especially since Eddie kept stealing spoonfuls of Buck's.

The drive takes a while longer than it did with Hen, mainly because of the lunch-time rush.

"You guys can just stay here, I'll only take five minutes at most." Buck tells Eddie when he sees him reaching for the door.

Eddie looks like he wants to argue but instead, he rolls his eyes and concedes, "fine."

Buck partially regrets telling Eddie to stay in the car when he notices that his front door is open.

Just because he's off blood thinners now doesn't mean he's jumping at the opportunity to get stabbed.

" _Evan_." He hears a voice sneer. A voice he'd hoped to never hear again, one that haunts his nightmares and twists his waking moments into something darker.

There standing in the middle of his loft is his father. His mother is sitting at the dining table with a bored expression on her face.

His father doesn't look all that different from the last time he'd seen him. He's like an older version of Buck with darker hair, a military cut, and a scar going across his eyebrow and the side of his head.

His mother has changed a lot. He supposes she went through a lot of plastic surgery over the years. He can barely picture her without it because of how long it's been. Maddie gets a lot more of her features from their mother.

The full cheeks, straight hair. Their mother, however, is blonde. Her hair is more of a platinum blonde now, her natural colour was much darker.

"What are you doing here?" Buck croaks out, willing himself not to shake as he makes his way into the apartment.

He used to be so much better at shutting himself down in front of his father but he's let his guard down since then.

"I came to check up on my ungrateful children." His nose is upturned in disgust but he's not scowling. He never did. That's the worst part, he couldn't even be bothered to be angry. He's too cold for that.

That's when it hits him. _Children_.

Maddie.

"Maddie's not here." Buck says quickly, his eyes wild.

"Don't lie to me, boy." His voice is hard like he's giving an order.

Buck is about to try lying again but there was no room for questioning in his father's tone, "you know."

"That your sister killed her husband?"

Buck flinches on Maddie's behalf.

"She _didn't_. It was self-defence." Buck argues, his own voice has gone hard. Maddie spent years trying to protect him, he wouldn't allow this horrible human being to belittle her.

"That's what they call it nowadays?" He chuckles mirthlessly.

"He was abusing her, he was going to kill her!" Buck raises his volume, years ago his father would have slapped him by now. He looked like he was thinking about it.

"She wasn't listening to her husband. It was discipline." He tuts.

Buck jerks slightly, his whole body was rigid from trying not to flinch. He hates that word. _Discipline_.

Discipline shouldn't mean hitting your kids. It shouldn't mean leaving bruises and cuts, it shouldn't mean destroying their self-esteem until they run into the arms of another abuser because they think it's what they deserve.

"No, it wasn't. Why are you even here? You never cared before."

"Of course I did. But I could never find you. I knew Madeline had to be with you."

 _Shit_.

"The skateboard." Buck breathes.

How could he be so stupid? He shouldn't have even thought about using _his_ money. It never occurred to Buck that his father would be alerted because technically the money was Buck's. It was money that his father had given to him years ago, allowance money he had never used.

His father's nose flares in disgust, "yes. Your little transaction helped me find you. I have no idea why you're living in this place. Or why you'd even need to buy such a contraption."

Buck's eyes drift over to the photos on his wall of their own accord.

His father tracks the movement.

"Of course. I should have known you couldn't even get making a child right."

"What?" He narrows his eyes at his father, taking a step forward.

"I always knew you'd get some whore knocked up but I should have expected you to have a broken child. I don't know why I gave you the benefit of the doubt, like father, like son —"

Buck slams his fist into his father's face effectively shutting him up, "you don't get to talk about him!"

His father is very good at taking a hit though, even better at giving one. When he turns his eyes on Buck he steels himself for the hard punch he knows is coming.

But it doesn't connect.

Buck opens his eyes and sees a furious Eddie there holding his father's fist.

Buck looks around for Chris. He spots him next to the door, looking scared so Buck goes to him.

"Hey, buddy. Can I pick you up?" Buck asks, only making his move when Christopher nods.

Buck moves Chris behind the couch, far away from his father.

"Oh, I see how it is. You're an even bigger failure than I thought." His father sneers.

Eddie shoves him back as he growls, "don't you dare."

"Of course Evan would need someone else to defend him." His father chuckles.

"He doesn't _need_ me. I _choose_ to be there for him. It's called love you dipshit. Now, leave before I call the police. There's a certain Sergeant who would be very interested in meeting you."

"Are you threatening me?" His father asks indignantly, he sounds like he's getting ready to go on his ' _I deserve more respect_ ' spiel when Eddie answers him.

"Yes."

Seeing the hard look on Eddie's face his father seems to be reconsidering his options, finally, he sneers, "fine. Neither of them are worth the trouble. Come on, Mary."

His mother follows silently behind.

Part of Buck feels bad for her. As a child all he could do was blame her, she was his mother and she never did anything. Now he just feels bad.

Buck follows, closing the door behind them as he whispers, "goodbye, Earl."

Buck slumps forward. That chapter of his life is finally shut.

"I'm sorry." Buck sighs.

" _What_ , why?" Eddie questions as he pulls Buck away from the door.

"Chris had to hear and see all of that." Buck mutters, he can feel his eyes watering and he hates that it makes him feel like a failure.

He has to take a deep breath and remind himself, that he's strong. His emotions make him strong.

" _Mi amor_ , what Chris saw was you defending him."

"Yeah, Bucky, you protected me! You always do!" Chris pipes up still behind the couch.

"I did?" Buck's voice is small again.

"Yeah, you did."

Buck starts laughing hysterically with his face in his hands but the laughter turns to sobbing, the next thing he knows Eddie and Chris are hugging him.

It takes him a while to compose himself so Eddie goes off to make a snack for Chris.

"I love you." Buck says when he's done crying and he's slumped over in Eddie's arms.

"I know, I've known for a while now." Eddie admits.

"You have?" Buck is slightly confused but he's glad.

"Yeah, _cariño_ , you always show everyone you love them through your actions. Why do you think we were all so upset during the meeting? You make your love for us so obvious but apparently we haven't been doing the same."

Buck shakes his head, "that's Earl's fault. Not any of yours."

"But that's why we have to make it more obvious for you, so you have no room for doubt." Eddie says as he places a kiss on Buck's forehead.

"Can we go home and play _Monopoly_ now?" Christopher asks from the dining area where he's sitting and eating a sandwich.

"Yeah, let's go home." Buck says as he smiles.

Buck doesn't think he's going to be having anymore dreams of his childhood. But if he ever does he'll have his family there to support him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Warnings:
> 
> Brief Use of Ableist and Sexist Language — Evan's biological father sucks. I felt so disgusted even writing that out.
> 
> Copyright:
> 
> 9-1-1 © FOX  
> Monopoly © Hasbro
> 
> **✩║ A/N ║✩**
> 
> I feel like Connor is going to get adopted by the Wilson household whoops. Connor makes me want to write more in this 'verse, I love him so much. But I can't so I'm giving y'all a free pass to write and use Connor. He's adorable, has ASD, is a little curly-haired brunette.
> 
> On a side note, I kept forgetting to eat while editing this and I now feel really nauseous.
> 
> -ˏˋ [check out my tumblr](https://borninthedusk.tumblr.com/post/614138849326743552/evan-buckleys-experiences-with-love) ˊˎ-
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
>   * Short comments
>   * Long comments
>   * Questions
>   * “<3” as extra kudos
>   * Reader-reader interaction
> 

> 
> Absolutely no critique please, I am always working on bettering myself but have crippling depression and anxiety.
> 
> This author sees and appreciates all comments, but may not reply to all.
> 
> Note: If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (social anxiety be like that sometimes fam), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!


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